henri nouwen writes:
Many voices around and within us warn us of the danger of dependence. We fear being dependent on others because of the idea that dependence is a threat to our security.
he continues in "a spirituality of fundraising:"
The pressure in our culture to secure our own future and to control our lives as much as possible does not find support in the Bible. Jesus knows our need for security. He is concerned that because security is such a deep human need, we do not place our trust in things or people that cannot offer us real security. “Do not store up treasures for yourselves on earth, where moth and woodworm destroy them and thieves can break in and steal. But store up treasures for yourselves in heaven, where neither moth nor woodworm destroys them and thieves cannot break in and steal. For wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be too” (Matt. 6:19-21, NJB). We cannot find security if our heart is divided. So Jesus says something very radical: “No servant can be the slave of two masters: he will either hate the first and love the second, or be attached to the first and despise the second. You cannot be the slave both of God and of money” (Luke 16:13, NJB). What is our security base? God or Mammon? That is what Jesus would ask. He says that we cannot put our security in God and also in money. We have to make a choice. Jesus counsels: “Put your security in God.” We have to make a choice where we want to belong, to the world or to God. Our trust, our basic trust, Jesus teaches, has to be in God.
i think these words sum up my life the past few weeks...i so want to be independent. i so want not to have to rely on others, let alone god...if i am being honest. i want to do things on my own power. and, in effect rely on myself and no one or no thing else. i want to secure my own security, if you will. i don't want to place this security of mine into other people's hands who might fail me. whether it be finances or moving or coaching kids. i want to be in control.
but, god says differently.
he created us for community. look at the birds and grass and animals. they need each other. and, so do we humans. even though i fight so hard against it, i need others. i need him. some days i just don't want to rely and depend though. it seems way easier to try things on my own. and fail. and fail again. and fail some more. i am a stubborn creature. and forgetful. an israelite a sheep. stupid sheep.
the road of dependence, though, is way better. i say that as i have been placed in positions of literal dependence recently. living with host families and fundraising to name two. both putting me in a place of depending on others and lacking the independent and self-sufficient nature of the 24 year-old i sometimes think i want to be. how i have thought my life would be better if i lived in my own place, or was earning a more "traditional" salary. but, those are lies. and, definitely not what jesus is talking about here. these thoughts pierced my heart: "where is my security? is it in him or in providing for myself? do i love god or money? jesus knows about my need for security. put my trust in him. he won't let me down."
alrighty. on to quit being so stupid of a sheep...
