something good. the end, that is.

december 31, 2015 marked my last day with northstar youth ministries.
as such, this shall be my last post y'all.
all good things must come to an end, eh?

been a fantastic three years at northstar.
i'm honored to have had the privilege of working there.
learned so much about myself, inner-city ministry, and coaching soccer.
pumped for what's ahead - physical therapy school (pray that i can get in somewhere).
i love coaching soccer, yet i don't see it as sustainable in the long-term thing for me.
when considering what's next, i put everything on the table.
realized i'm ready to jump into pt full steam ahead as:
1) i've changed a lot and value different things in a job as compared to years past
2) i wanted to do ministry for a time.
in the waiting game now of interviews and hearing back from schools.
this spring = part-time work and a slower season before jumping into graduate school.

praise the lord as he's been good to me.
never gone a meal without.
personally learned much and refined.
provided for and sustained me in birmingham, al.
grateful for who i am now compared to three years ago.
been a part in a small way of sharing the gospel through a wonderful game.

he has our good in mind.  believe it friends.

thanks to y'all who've journeyed with and supported me along the way, from caa to bham.
cheers to 2016.

northstar on the news.

one of our awesome soccer coaches works for fox6 news in bham and did and excellent story on northstar soccer that aired a few weeks back.  

colorado.

i’m just chilling on the front porch, enjoying the surprisingly warm february weather, while awaiting time to go get a drink with some friends. and, I get this text.

jess:  hey.  wanna go skiing in Colorado Mar 25-31?

sara:  hey.  that's kinda a crazy idea.  where'd it come from?

j:  flight is only $100 round trip and we have a free cabin!  just pay for ski gear and lift ticket!

j:  it's kinda crazy and impulsive.  but it's a good deal.  offer ends tonight at midnight!!!!!!

s:  wowie.  how'd you find out about that sweet deal?  

s:  now i'm thinking about it.  carla jean says is trying to convince me...

j:  yeah it would be so much fun!

and, that it was...

colorado was good for so many reasons.  

1.  a little break in the middle of spring season (i went over our kids' spring break).

2.  breathing the crisp mountain air and experiencing the still and quiet of the mountains.

3.  hanging with some good buds.

4.  seeing beauty i hadn't seen before: the rockies, the high plains of colorado and new mexico, wild horses, antelopes, mule deer, blue skies, gorgeous sunsets and sunrises, and a frozen waterfall.  

5.  just being.  and, upon return to "life as usual," lots of thoughts to be had. 

day 1:  flight in.  driving from denver to la veta.  acclimatizing to the altitude.  sledding at the cabin.

the spanish peaks in la veta, co.

day 2:  skiing at taos, nm.  lots of wildlife on the drive.  avocado key-lime pie from a local taos restaurant.

did i mention wild horses?  never imagined i'd ever see one in real life!

beautiful sunset on the way back from taos, nm.

day 3:  churchy.  great sand dunes national park.  zapata falls.  

great sand dunes national park.

the crew.  ty, jess, ty's friend chris, and me at zapata falls (and a frozen waterfall!!).

day 4.  garden of the gods.  skiing.  dinner and ice cream in denver.  red eye back to atl.

view from the top of a ski run at loveland near denver.

also at loveland.

so, i write to remember.  this blog has taken many shapes and forms.  and, i've had many different reasons to write over the past years.  and, as of late, i've realized i've failed to write maybe more out of a fear of what others may think.  i've failed to write because i haven't taken the time to stop and think and process.  i've failed to write as i'm not sure exactly the purpose of this blog.  and, as my friend jmilla wrote - grace over perfection.  i think me writing and blogging is a needed thing.  good for my soul.  even if it's only every few months and only for me to remember things of the past.  i'll take it...

scary close

"that's the gist of this story, i suppose.  these are snapshots of the year i spent learning to perform less, to be myself more, and overcome a complicated fear of being known.  this book is about how i realized i could have a happy life without splitting an atom or making a splash.  it's true our lives can pass small and unnoticed by the masses, and we are no less dignified for having lived quietly.  in fact, i've come to believe there's something noble about doing little with your life save offering love to a person who is offering it back.

here's a thought that haunts me: what if we are designed as sensitive antennas, receptors to receive love, a longing we often mistake as a need to be impressive?  what if some of the most successful people in the world got that way because their success was fueled by a misappropriated need for love?  what is the people we consider to be great are actually the most broken?  and what if the whole time they're seeking applause they are missing out on true intimacy because they've never learned how to receive it?...

...i don't mean to overstate what is yet unknown, but part of me believes when the story of earth is told, all that will be remembered is the truth we exchanged.  the vulnerable moments.  the terrifying risk of love and the care we took to cultivate it.  and all the rest, the distracting noise of insecurity and the flattery and the flashbulbs will flicker out like a turned-off television."

- donald miller.  scary close.  p. 6-7.

just finished the new book from donald miller.  and, it definitely hit home.  here's to remembering and learning anew to love well.

here's to remembering on mlk day.

don't know of the guy who wrote the article, but i think he wrote well nonetheless...

through the eyes of a child.

wednesday is my princeton lunch day.  which means i go to lunch and eat with the fourth and fifth graders.  more so, hang out and chat with each table for a few minutes, being intentional about chatting with the soccer players, making sure to chat with everybody else while also graciously saying no to chatting too long to certain kids, and trying to time it right so that i see each table before lunch is up.  takes some practice, i'd say.

1.  johnson, a soccer player, was writing his name in his book as i walked up.  the way he was carefully writing it with a huge pen made me think he was signing a yearbook.  so, i asked him what it was.  just a book of his.  he was using his friend's pen - one of those huge ones with lots of different colors to choose from.  and, i had a couple thoughts.  i bet johnson carefully chose his color to write with.  it might have taken him a while, maybe a minute or so - gotta get the right color.  i bet he's being real careful about how he writes his name, as he wants it to be perfect.  i bet he's focused only on writing "j-o-h-n-s-o-n" and nothing else.  i bet he's enjoying the heck out of writing those seven letters and is in no rush.

2.  i walked over to a fifth grade table where kiersten, one of the girls on my team, was sitting.  i sat down at the open seat in front of her.  while saying hello to everyone else at the table, i got caught up in conversation about something happening at school later in the day.  i glance over at kiersten.  she has this look of anticipation like she just can't wait to tell me something, with maybe even a bit of wiggling in her seat trying to either be patient or contain something.  i try to graciously end my other conversation so i can chat with my soccer friend kiersten.  and once i give her the floor, she pipes up, "you know that northstar party?  it's on my birthday."  and she goes on and on about her birthday plans...for a while.  and, i just listen and think.  soak it all in.  thinking on how long she has been waiting to tell me this.  thinking about what it was like to be her age and be excited about something.

from a boy who is carefully writing his name in a book to a girl who eagerly waits to tell her soccer coach her birthday plans, kids often see the world differently.  duh, right?  learning point #1 of the day - they often appreciate the smaller things.  maybe because they're a bigger part of their lives.  i remember being ten years old, and being super pumped to celebrate my birthday.  like, for the entire month before.  oh yeah.  and, i'm thinking of how i don't see the world like a child.  i don't appreciate the small things.  i don't go slowly through life.  i don't take time to rest and just think and be.  i don't take time to pick a color, i just do whichever one is quickest.  this has been me of late, although i'm slowly changing.  yes, indeed.  and praise the lord for that.  because i want to change back to seeing life through a child's eyes.  to see the fall colors and marvel at this world and its creator.  to see a blue sky and smile.  to watch a sunset.  to really be present with people and enjoy being with them.  to eat slowly and savor the flavors of whatever food i'm eating.  to anticipating as i go to sleep.  to even going to sleep early.  ha.  to just being, and not worrying about whatever's next.  cheers to continuing the art of remembering and resting...

he will not abandon my soul.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

psalm 16.  amen and amen.  thankful for a recent reminder of how much i do love and need these verses in my life.  he indeed will not abandon my soul...

thoughts.

thoughts.  i joke that sometimes that's all i'm good for.  i don't always come to a conclusion, but i've got lots of random thoughts/ideas/questions flowing through my head.  given that, i do know this - if my thoughts don't get out of my head, they just sit there and simmer and create this mixed-up jumbled up mess.  ha, but seriously.  something happens when they get out, whether written on paper or spoken to someone else.  i'm not sure if it's the exchange or give and take of words or questions, or the process of the thoughts making it from my brain to the outside world, but something happens.  and, as i write tonight, i think about how i need to do more of this.  blogging, talking, thinking, praying, journaling, questioning, processing - i want this all to happen.  more.  because i need it.  this is how and who god has designed me to be.  this is how my brain and heart work.  so, as i've questioned this whole blogging thing and purposes for it, i've come away with this - i need it.  something happens when i sit at my computer and type away.  something worthwhile, that i'm wanting to connect to again.  and, for me, even if it's weird to admit, i think that's enough.  so, without further adieu, here are some thoughts of late...

joy.
choose joy.  it's a thought of late, especially after a rmc women's retreat a month or so ago.  sometimes we don't want to choose joy, and life circumstances don't lend us to doing so, but god still calls us to choose joy and even be thankful.  and, i'd like to think i've done a good job of this in years past, but for whatever reason, it isn't the case now.  but, it is what it is.  win some and you lose some, right?  so, with that, i'll take the refresher course on joy.  and get on choosing it.

rest.
my how i need it.  and, my how i run to broken places/things to find it all too often.  if i've learned one thing from the busyness and stress of the spring/summer, it is that i need rest, and i need to make time for it and get it done.  it can mean riding my bike in the beauty outside or choosing to spend 15 minutes journaling instead of going to sleep.  it's simple, i know.  not rocket science here.  but, i don't always want to find it.  the true rest.  rest in jesus.  and rest in who he is, not in what i can do or have done or should do, or what i think i need or want or hope.  but, rest in him.  and to be rejuvenated and refueled by that kind of rest, even if it's active and more required energy than i really want.  but, `as my like-minded friend catherine and i joked, we never want to sit down and process or journal - it always seems like too much work.  but, once we do, we realize how needed it is.  for our brains to get things out and figured out, but also to process things through with our lover and creator and giver of every good thing.

contentment.
in a sense, birmingham hasn't been quite what i've expected it to be.  and, there's lots of layers to that.  but, what i do know is that it's been a bit harder/more difficult than expected.  and, given that, i'm much thankful for reminders and truth of who god is, even in the midst of my whatever you wanna call it.  god is still god, even in the midst of the wilderness.  in fact, in jeremiah 29, we see how he actually sends his people into exile.  say, what?  god really did that?  even in genesis too, moses asks pharoah to release the israelites so they can worship god in the wilderness.  mind blown again.  i know god is sovereign, but he would actually send his people into exile?  into the wilderness?  does that mean he's sovereign even if i'm in a type of wilderness (as i don't have a better name for it, where life is okay, just maybe not quite 100% "everything is awesome")?  well, scripture says the answer is yes.  yes and yes.  he's the same god.  so, be content here samchok.  find joy and rest even here.  as he's sovereign.  even bloom and grow here.  yes.

"Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease."

Jeremiah 29:4-6

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Pharaoh’s heart is hardened; he refuses to let the people go. Go to Pharaoh in the morning, as he is going out to the water. Stand on the bank of the Nile to meet him, and take in your hand the staff that turned into a serpent. And you shall say to him, ‘The LORD, the God of the Hebrews, sent me to you, saying, “Let my people go, that they may serve me in the wilderness.”

Genesis 7:14-16

a thought for tuesday - playing to win

so, i've been mia from the blog for a while.  i know i know, y'all.  but after wondering about what exactly should i put on my blog, what to write about, who even reads this anyways, do i have time for this, blah blah blah, i've decided i need a little pick me up.  well, maybe not a pick me up.  but, something to get me going, as i do often have failure to launch.  (by the way, i don't have answers to all those questions.  but, i do know i need and want to write again.)  so, enjoy the ramblings folks.  today is tuesday, so enjoy.  here's to new beginnings...

---

i ran across a fabulous npr story earlier today: when kids start playing to win.  obviously, i listened to it through the lens of my soccer coach self.  and, i obviously enjoyed it a bit more than maybe the average joe.  maybe because it affirms what i believe about coaching youth soccer - winning isn't the only thing.  here's my fav quote from the piece:  "when asked how she knows if she's done a great job at a meet, peri [13 year old swimmer] has a quick answer. 'well, sometimes my legs feel like jelly. and so, the first time it felt like that i knew i had succeeded.'" so, check it out y'all!